The challenge of learning to balance these two aspects of life becomes apparent while a child grows up and matures. Initially a child is given a lot of unstructured free/play time to explore life and their surroundings. There is a universal understanding that this time is beneficial and necessary for children. Only gradually are children given less "unstructured exploring time" and are expected to dedicate more time to "responsibilities" and school work. Additionally, at a young age one isn't expected to commit to a single person or profession and only as one has matured does social pressure demand commitments and "settling down". Many societies expresses their acceptance for gradually and cautiously taking on a responsibilities and commitments. In many cultures it is accepted and encouraged for one to travel spontaneously and experience freedom from commitments and responsibilities. It is encouraged for one to give themselves the opportunity to let go of social dogma and let their heart and curiosity guide them to find their own inner truth.
The above struggle of restriction vs opportunity as well as the struggle to balance the need for chaos vs rules and structure becomes very apparent during a persons Bal Teshuva process. Through out ones Bal Teshuva process hopefully one hears "Don't take on to much at once", "Go slowly", " It is okay to regress and comeback", and many other statements which take into account the difficulties which can arise as ones soul and psyche attempt to take on new limitations and boundaries. These statements of caution do not in anyway reduce the importance of taking on Halacha and Mitzvote they only demonstrate a sensitivity to the process of taking on a "committed" lifestyle which if not approached correctly can feel very restricting and burdensome. Taking on commitments and restrictions may sharply contrast to ones previous experience of freedom and boundryless opertunifull existence. As one develops and grows into the laws and guidelines of the Torah it is essential that they stay attuned to their inner process. One must be aware if they are taking on too quickly new changes and restricting guidelines. One must feel when they are ready to channel their unadulterated and complete self into the next belief or guideline of the Torah. If one is aware that the Bal Teshuva process entails learning how to integrate new structure and belief systems into their lives they can more healthfully approach this process.
I remember as a young boy, while playing football during a beautiful summer afternoon, feeling I couldn't fully, with every part of my consciousness and being, be involved in the game. I couldn't fully be present to the game because I new I had to daven Mincha befor the sun went down. I couldn't fully melt into the bliss of the summer moment, because part of my subconscious mind was preoccupied with not letting the beautiful summer sun slip away without me davening Mincha first. The very fact that I had to Daven Mincha even if I had a few hours left before sunset created a subconscious feeling of containment and inability to be fully invested in the moment because of my commitments and responsibilities. Part of who I was, was sold to my commitment, was invested in my commitment, so I couldn't with the totality of my being experience the football game.
I am not suggesting that having the responsibility and opportunity to daven Mincha is an unfortunate or limiting reality. I am only trying to bring to light challenges which can come up while taking on commitments and lifestyle changes. Through being aware of these challenges one can more gracefully approach and overcome potential frustration in the future and more effectively transfer into their new roles as committed, believing adults.
While learning to balance our need for unstructured as well as structured ways of living it is important to remember the benefits of experiencing the unstructured side of life. Many times people make huge strides in their maturity, development and understanding of themselves, during their "unstructured" times and experiences through out their life. While spontaneously traveling through a foreign country with no particular agenda except to develop into a fuller healthier human being one can quickly develop a more accurate understanding of their abilities, interests, weaknesses and strengths. During this unique time of traveling many people have found their life's calling or passion. Many people have healed emotionally and broken out of previously unrelenting unsurmountable emotional blocks or limitations.These changes could not have come about while maintaining a "established" lifestyle, working 40 hours a week, and going to a series of transformation workshops on the weekend. These changes are only able to come about because of the openness and unrestrictive nature of the reality of a travelers life. Traveling spontaneously without ant particular agenda can enable's one to re-find themselves in the land of opportunity and potential that traveling creates.
The goal of all this searching and development is not to remain in a state of non- commitment. The goal is to be able to find a personal truth and then take on those beliefs, responsibilities and commitments. So the commitment to daven Mincha is ideal, it is the place that one should should strive to be at. At the same time though, be aware of the potential strain that commitments and long term responsibilities could have on ones psyche, life and development. Be aware that commitments at the wrong time can limit ones reality and growth.
Lets embrace the need for fluctuation, chaos and openness while one is looking for their truth. Lets embrace the need for fluctuation while trying to maintain that truth in the face of changing realities and challenges; in face of the challenges which life inevitably throws us as we continue to evolve.
The above points can shed light on one of the main reasons for pain and failure in the the Haraidi or Ultra Orthodox communities. Their issues do not steam from commitments to too many laws, customs or beliefs. The problem is not with their desire to approach Jewdiisim from the most authentic and committed standpoint. Their problems lie with not giving space for fluctuation and process while one searches to arrive at those conclusions and commitments. Furthermore the need for fluctuation, process and space is not only needed for the ones who are "searching" but also is needed for those who have found themselves and their way. The need for constant subtle fluctuation and search comes about because life is never a static process. Life is constantly challenging us to grow by deepening and redefining our beliefs and perceptions. In order to grow and redefine ourselves we need space and "chaos". To grow we need widen our reality and discover for ourselves which new realities, roles and beliefs we should evolve into or embrace.
In order to develop, we need to struggle to balance between realities of commitments and realities of potential. We need to balance between realities of chaos and exploration and realities of truth, beliefs and commitments. In the Sefer H'Tanya the first Lubovitcher Rebbe touches on this point. The author explains how before a Tzaddick proceedes from one level to another higher level he has a intermediary stage of dissent or limbo. This limbo stage is a place of chaos, a place of openness, a place of uncertainty, a place of search, and a place of the unknown. If fluctuation and process is not allowed then one cannot go through the full cycle of growth. Chassisdus further explains that all growth follows the pattern of Yiesh, Ayin then Yesh again. What this means is that all growth follows the process of full, broken, and then full again. When we are broken we find ourselves in place of search a place of chaos. When we feel full again many times we have re found a way to live within structure. An example for this idea is seen in the process of plant growth. Before a seed can become a tree it has to go through a phase of brokenness, it has to rot, brake apart, only then can it grow into a new beautiful tree.
I believe that in most cases one can go through their process of search and fluctuation within the confines of Halacha. However, if somebody has experienced enough pain and dissociation from their true selves they may have the need to experience total freedom and opportunity to re-find themselves. Part of this journey may lead them outside the confines of Halacha. Hopefully the experience of being open to all truths and realities, even the ones outside of Halacha, will help the journeyer tune into his true reality and truth. A truth which lies within Halacha and relationship with Hashem . Ideally, the objective viewpoint of standing outside the confides of Halacha will guide one to see their truth within Halacha. I have heard many accounts of Israeli backpackers who where only able to find Hashem and the Torah in India. Only after traveling to India, totally open to accepting any truth that they will find or encounter, did they became aware of their own personal truth which lay with their connection to Torah and the Jewish people.
It is essential that no matter which stage of life we find ourselves that we incorporate into our lives aspects of chaos, aspects of spontaneousness, aspects of openness to see where life is trying to take us. Lets ensure that we remain "travelers" all our lives and never become so stagnant and unchangeing that life's process of growth passes us by. Lets struggle to embrace the paradox of living a defined life with chaos and potential. Lets challenge ourselves to live "chaos" even after we have embraced the truth and beauty of the rules, commitments and beliefs of our wonderful Torah.
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