Mission At Dawn

Place: Hebron, Israel
Time: 22:00, Friday night

As I walk into the room, not a sound could be herd.
They lay in their bunks, sleeping.
Preparing for the mission to come.

I met this group earlier in the day as they were setting up their base camp.
The men came across as relaxed yet focused,
Cordial yet unwavering and clear about procedure and protocol.
Like every group of enlisted men, they were highly motivated and deeply committed to the same ideals.

The night was young, but determined and disciplined they had retired early, well aware of their mission at dawn.
A sense of a seriousness that could almost be touched, floated trough the air of the room.
Each one, even in his sleep, was preparing for the upcoming task come dawn.
Each one, was determined to be ready,
Each determined to show that all the training had made them ready.

The oldest of group, with experience written between the lines of his brow, slept at the entrance of the room.
It was his way of insuring, come dawn, all will go as planed.

The next morning I awake
The sun had already risen deep into the morning sky.
I look around the room,
The beds are empty.

The class of Bresslov Bochorim had silently left at dawn; to embrace their mission of Davening Neitz.

Trust what is inside, Embrace what is within, Be present with what is.

"It is so many years before one can
believe enough in what one feels,
even to know what the feeling is."
 - William Butler-


How many times have we lacked the courage to believe in what we already know?

How many times have we waited to long to develop a feeling or skill?

Why do we have to wait for our mechanical, rational minds to catch up with our deeper wisdom and perception?

If we would only trust our intuition,

If we would only engage and grasp on to our subtle feelings and truths

How much faster will we find ourselves?

How much faster will we experience our own truth and beauty?

How much faster will we find love?

Why must we wait till "reality" and "logic" has confirmed and embraced our inner feelings?

Why must we demand concrete results before we can embrace our inner knowledge?

Lets not wait so long before we embrace that shy and timid but astoundingly resolute inner voice

Lets listen and cultivate our inner skills and voices,

Lets believe that what we feel and sense can be trusted and invested upon,

Invested upon even before brick and mortar reality has experienced the truth of that inner wisdom.


"It is so many years before one can
believe enough in what one feels,
even to know what the feeling is."
 - William Butler-

                                            

                       "The only place denial should be found is in Egypt"

                                                    - Papa Bear- 

  

Icy walls

So close,
Yet so far apart
Each stuck in their own reality
A reality so strong
So deep
So self involved
So painful
It doesn't allow its prisoner to see or be with another


Looking,
But not seeing at all
Being seen, but not being understood
Walking together,
But only geography binds their steps together
Each imprisoned in their own world
Each in their own reality


Courtesies,
Like asking
How was your day, semester or year
Are left unasked
These questions are washed away by the tempest of life
The tempest which washes so much depth and richness away


Is it weakness of caricture
That has let the waves in?
Or the pain of life
The pain which has taught us so well to retreat inwards,
Never really see
Never really be
Never really ask


Have we gotten so used to being geographically close
That we have forgotten what it means to be together?


When will we have the strength
The presence
The calm
The courage
To enable real living, talking and being 


When will looking include seeing the others soul and struggle 
When will a experience be judged by
A human bond created
Or the meeting of hearts and feelings


When will being together be defined
Not by attending the same venue
Discussing politics
Or sharing the same room
But by attempting to feel and experience life with another
By bridging a divide that only courage and presence can provide


When will the thick walls of emotional ice,
Come tumbling down?
When will the warm humanity
Which lies behind,
Be allowed to come  pouring out?
I don't know when,
But when it does
A walk to the post office
A cup of tea
A shared experience
Will be worth so much more
Than all those before
  

Jerusalem: The City of Life

Jerusalem,

When I walk your streets,

A smile comes to my face

Life surges from my soul 

When I inhale your air

I feel comfort and peace

When I open up to your rhythm

I feel life

I feel life's energy crescendo within me

When I look at your people, my people

I feel at home

I feel I'm with family,

I feel understood

My unrestricted self comes out and shines.

Jerusalem

Your nights and days are so rich,

So rich,

I get drunk just walking your streets,

Or breathing your air,

Jerusalem,

I'm privileged 

Privileged to interact with the deep and special people you so humbly bare.

Jerusalem,

You demand one to live,

You demand one to embrace the intensity and depth of life

Jerusalem,

We hear you say,

live life in the front seat,

We hear you say,

I'm not just a city,

A city that helps you pass a day or year

I'm a city who throws the full depth of life at you

I'm a city waiting,

Waiting for you

To be big enough to embrace, all my depth, beauty and complexity.

Jerusalem,

The thought of leaving you

Saddens me to my core

Leaving you for a few weeks, hours or days

Frightens me

Sacares me

Even when I'm in the comfort of your walls

I fear life might beckon me away

I wonder,

Elsewhere

Will I be able to hold onto your level of being?

Your level of living?

Elsewhere

Will I feel so alive?

So on track?

Jerusalem,

There are cities that boast,

Cleaner streets,

and cheeper homes,

My love for you though,

Runs deeper than the size of your malls

Or the modernity of your homes

I love you for your richness and depth 

I love you because you've taught me

What it means to live,

What it means to feel alive.

Every day I breath your air,

Or walk your streets

I'm grateful for the surge of life that you instill in me,

For the depth of interaction

For Your beauty,

The beauty which lies behind the truth of your being 

And not the glitter behind deceiving. 

What 22 years has taught me about a day

Live each day with balance,
Balancing the numerous aspects of a full dynamic life
The numerous aspects of a full human being
Experiencing the full complexity and depth within ourselves

Each day,
Strive to connect inwards
Try to listen to your inner self
Meditate,
Walk slowly,
Take in the subtleties of your surroundings
Appreciate the moment

Each day embrace the child within,
Embrace, fun and moments of immaturity
Moments of lightness......
Laugh, skip or jump,
Dance and cry
Live uninhibited
live like a free child

Coate each day with spirituality
Coate each day with the pressence of G-d,
Add to each day connection with the devine
Connect to something larger.......
Connect to something deeper.....
Tap into a stream so much larger than our precieved realities

Each day help build the world,
Your world
Push yourself forward
Forcefully work to develop your calling
Finish that test,
Prepare for that meeting,
Find the needed job interview
Jump into the world of Tikuen Olam
Experience the realities of money and expence,
Income,
And tangible accomplishment

Engage your physical body
Does it want to breath or streatch?
listen to what your body needs from you
Feed it
Exercice it
Move your body from the passive observer
Into the engaged liver

Embrace the challenge of dancing this collage,
Forgive yourself if you misplace a foot,
Forget a piece,
Forgive yourself if you loose sight of the next experience to embrace.
Most of all
Credit yourself for being on the dance floor,
Looking for the pieces,
The pieces of a balanced day
The pieces of a beautiful day
A truly deep day
A truly holy day

Chaos vs structure: A struggle to take on commitments but remain free.

 The process of developing into a mature healthy adult who is capable of dealing with todays responsibilities and challenges is a long and arduous one. One aspect of this process is learning how to balance the aspects of chaos and structure in our lives. The need  for spontaneousness and freedom (from responsibilities and commitments) which I am defining as chaos, needs to be balanced with ones need to develop and integrate into their lives rules, structure, commitments and specific beliefs.

 The challenge of learning to balance these two aspects of life becomes apparent while a child grows up and matures. Initially a child is given a lot of unstructured free/play time to explore life and their surroundings. There is a universal understanding that this time is beneficial and necessary for children. Only gradually are children given less "unstructured exploring time"  and are expected to dedicate more time to "responsibilities" and school work. Additionally, at a young age one isn't expected to commit to a single person or profession and only as one has matured does social pressure demand commitments and "settling down". Many societies expresses their acceptance for gradually and cautiously taking on a responsibilities and commitments. In many cultures it is accepted and encouraged for one to travel spontaneously and experience freedom from commitments and responsibilities. It is encouraged for one to give themselves the opportunity to let go of social dogma and let their heart and curiosity guide them to find their own inner truth.

 The above struggle of restriction vs opportunity as well as the struggle to balance the need for chaos vs rules and structure becomes very apparent during a persons  Bal Teshuva process. Through out ones Bal Teshuva process hopefully one hears "Don't take on to much at once", "Go slowly", " It is okay to regress and comeback", and many other statements which take into account the difficulties which can  arise as ones soul and psyche attempt to take on new limitations and boundaries. These statements of caution do not in anyway reduce the importance of taking on Halacha and Mitzvote they only demonstrate a sensitivity to the process of taking on a "committed" lifestyle which if not approached correctly can feel very restricting and burdensome. Taking on commitments and restrictions may sharply contrast to ones previous experience of freedom and boundryless opertunifull existence. As one develops and grows into the laws and guidelines of the Torah it is essential that they stay attuned to their inner process. One must be aware if they are taking on too quickly new changes and restricting guidelines. One must feel when they are ready to channel their unadulterated and complete self into the next belief or guideline of the Torah. If one is aware that the Bal Teshuva process entails learning how to integrate new structure and belief systems into their lives they can more healthfully approach this process.

 I remember as a young boy, while playing football during a beautiful summer afternoon, feeling I couldn't fully, with every part of my consciousness and being, be involved in the game. I couldn't fully be present to the game because I new I had to daven Mincha befor the sun went down. I couldn't fully melt into the bliss of the summer moment, because part of my subconscious mind was preoccupied with not letting the beautiful summer sun slip away without me davening Mincha first. The very fact that I had to Daven Mincha even if I had a few hours left before sunset created a subconscious feeling of containment and inability to be fully invested in the moment because of my commitments and responsibilities. Part of who I was, was sold to my commitment, was invested in my commitment, so I couldn't with the totality of my being experience the football game.

I am not suggesting that having the responsibility and opportunity to daven Mincha is an unfortunate or limiting reality. I am only trying to bring to light challenges which can come up while taking on commitments and lifestyle changes. Through being aware of these challenges one can more gracefully approach and overcome potential frustration in the future and more effectively transfer into their new roles as committed, believing adults.

 While learning to balance our need for unstructured as well as structured ways of living it is important to remember the benefits of experiencing the unstructured side of life. Many times people make huge strides in their maturity, development and understanding of themselves, during their "unstructured" times and experiences through out their life. While spontaneously traveling through a foreign country with no particular agenda except to develop into a fuller healthier human being one can quickly develop a more accurate understanding of their abilities, interests, weaknesses and strengths. During this unique time of traveling many people have found their life's calling or passion. Many people have healed emotionally and broken out of previously unrelenting unsurmountable emotional blocks or limitations.These changes could not have come about while maintaining a "established" lifestyle, working 40 hours a week, and going to a series of transformation workshops on the weekend. These changes are only able to come about because of the openness and unrestrictive nature of the reality of a travelers life. Traveling spontaneously without ant particular agenda can enable's one to re-find themselves in the land of opportunity and potential that traveling creates.

 The goal of all this searching and development is not to remain in a state of non- commitment. The goal is to be able to find a personal truth and then take on those beliefs, responsibilities and commitments. So the commitment to daven Mincha is ideal, it is the place that one should should strive to be at. At the same time though, be aware of the potential strain that commitments and long term responsibilities could have on ones psyche, life and development. Be aware that commitments at the wrong time can limit ones reality and growth.
Lets embrace the need for fluctuation, chaos and openness while one is looking for their truth. Lets embrace the need for fluctuation while trying to maintain that truth in the face of changing realities and challenges; in face of the challenges which life inevitably throws us as we continue to evolve.

 The movie "Chaos Theory" powerfully expresses the struggle to find a balance between our needs for freedom and chaos as well as stability and structure.The protagonist tries to make for himself the perfect life by planning and controlling everything. Only when he embraces "chaos theory" and starts to live his life spontaneously (he runs naked across a ice hockey game) is he able to find some inner peace. The protagonist learns to loosen his tight perception of what is normal and appropriate and experiments with living closely with "whim" and spontaneousness. Eventually the protagonist is able to healthfully re-enter into his "responsible" life once again. The movie underscores the importance to experience freedom and openness and then learn how to integrate those feelings into structured life.(At least thats my take on the movie)

 The above points can shed light on one of the main reasons for pain and failure in the the Haraidi or Ultra Orthodox communities. Their issues do not steam from commitments to too many laws, customs or beliefs. The problem is not with their desire to approach Jewdiisim from the most authentic and committed standpoint. Their problems lie with not giving space for fluctuation and process while one searches to arrive at those conclusions and commitments. Furthermore the need for fluctuation, process and space is not only needed for the ones who are "searching" but also is needed for those who have found themselves and their way. The need for constant subtle fluctuation and search comes about because life is never a static process. Life is constantly challenging us to grow by deepening and redefining our beliefs and perceptions. In order to grow and redefine ourselves we need space and "chaos". To grow we need widen our reality and discover for ourselves which new realities, roles and beliefs we should evolve into or embrace.

 In order to develop, we need to struggle to balance between realities of commitments and realities of potential. We need to balance between realities of chaos and exploration and  realities of truth, beliefs and commitments. In the Sefer H'Tanya the first Lubovitcher Rebbe touches on this point. The author explains how before a Tzaddick proceedes from one level to another higher level he has a intermediary stage of dissent or limbo. This limbo stage is a place of chaos, a place of openness, a place of uncertainty, a place of search, and a place of the unknown. If fluctuation and process is not allowed then one cannot go through the full cycle of growth. Chassisdus further explains that all growth follows the pattern of Yiesh, Ayin then Yesh again. What this means is that all growth follows the process of full, broken, and then full again. When we are broken we find ourselves in place of search a place of chaos. When we feel full again many times we have re found a way to live within structure. An example for this idea is seen in the process of plant growth. Before a seed can become a tree it has to go through a phase of brokenness, it has to rot, brake apart, only then can it grow into a new beautiful tree.

 I believe that in most cases one can go through their process of search and fluctuation within the confines of Halacha. However, if somebody has experienced enough pain and dissociation from their true selves they may have the need to experience total freedom and opportunity to re-find themselves. Part of this journey may lead them outside the confines of Halacha. Hopefully the experience of being open to all truths and realities, even the ones outside of Halacha, will help the journeyer tune into his true reality and truth. A truth which lies within Halacha and relationship with Hashem . Ideally, the objective viewpoint of standing outside the confides of Halacha will guide one to see their truth within Halacha. I have heard many accounts of Israeli backpackers who where only able to find Hashem and the Torah in India. Only after traveling to India, totally open to accepting any truth that they will find or encounter, did they became aware of their own personal truth which lay with their connection to Torah and the Jewish people.

 It is essential that no matter which stage of life we find ourselves that we incorporate into our lives aspects of chaos, aspects of spontaneousness, aspects of openness to see where life is trying to take us. Lets ensure that we remain "travelers" all our lives and never become so stagnant and unchangeing that life's process of growth passes us by. Lets struggle to embrace the paradox of living a defined life with chaos and potential. Lets challenge ourselves to live "chaos" even after we have embraced the truth and beauty of the rules, commitments and beliefs of our wonderful Torah.

                                                  

Waiting for a Date Night

Dress shoes polished, waiting patiently in my closet, for the chance to be flaunted,
My pressed styled shirt untouched, waiting for the night which it will be worn and appreciated,
Ideas, beliefs and aspirations, thought through and rehearsed, waiting for the chance to be heard and responded to.


Cafes, restaurants and intriguing places, found, checked out and documented, now waiting to be experienced with another............
Places that are tasteful and private, yet not uncomfortably so,
Places that say I have the sensitivity, ability and class to find a spot that meets the unique requirements needed for dating in the "Shidduch world."  


References called, Shadchanim met, 
Prayers composed and bequeathed,
Prayers recited and reiterated time and time again.


All while waiting for a date night to come........


Waiting for the chance to wipe the dust of my dress shoes which has steadily collected while I wait for suggestions to be maid and ideals to collaborate,


Glancing at my pressed shirt and wondering when will be worn, next week, next month, ever? or should I just wear it today; now, and leave the planning alone for awhile?


Finding the courage to believe that the darkness doesn't imply that there is no hope, 
That the loneliness doesn't mean that there will be no light,  
The darkness only suggests that the light hasn't reached me yet, 
The light is making its way towards me,
Steadily, 
Each day coming closer, hoping that I keep attracting her light by waiting optimistically for my date night to arrive. 


This is waiting for a date night.











   

Drugs, Torah and Eretz Yisrael

I have always wondered what would drive a person with a relatively stable life, family or career to get involved with psychedelic drugs. Why would somebody flirt with substances which can eventually shake or destroy the life they experience, and limit as well hamper to an extent their future potential and ability to function in today’s modern society. (To a lesser degree I am discussing marijuana use as well). What would make a person willing to push aside reason and cultural taboos for the benefit of a "trip" or “experience”? What would probe someone into playing with the delicateness of their psyche, without any guarantee of a positive outcome? Why is the idea of experiencing a new reality or state of being so alluring, addictive and intoxicating?

I believe the answers to these questions lay within the deepest part of the human experience. The answers leads us to humanities deepest desires, aspirations, and goals, as well as our burning need and search to find fulfillment in our lives.We are all capable of feeling that there is more in our lives or reality than what meets our eye. People are constantly touched by stories of spiritual achievement, morality and dreams for a better future. These stories touch a part of our reality which is deeper than the physical, deeper than what our physical senses can appreciate or experience.  

When a person's life revolves around, and is motivated by, "superficial" experiences and the constant pursuit of "instant physical pleasure"  they may begin to subtly feel that they are missing part of the depth and beauty that life "somewhere" has to offer. Many times the trudgeidy of daily life; the mere consistency of one’s experienced reality and awareness's can make even the most comfortable and desired life, unfulfilled and non-enjoyable. When ones entire reality constalates around the "physical" or "superficial" plains one may feel an acute lack in their lives. One begins to feel that they can experience and become more. This pain and need to connect to something more, something deeper, and something more alive can compel even the most complacent individuals out of their comfort zone, in the desperate attempt to fill the void that their lifestyle has created. One will desperately attempt to refined their spark of life and find a more expanded dimension of reality. The need to connect to the depth and spirit of life can convince hardened cynics that their is more to life than their penthouse window overlooking the Manhattan skyline had to offer.

 It is at this moment of desperation that even the most, level headed, responsible, un-hippy like individual, would entertain taking drugs, not as a way to oppose social norms and beliefs but as a opportunity to experience a deeper, new, and more expanded part of themselves. What is intoxicating is not the drug itself but the chance to leave the confides of the stagnant reality that they have built and lived in their entire lives. What is intoxicating is the chance to develop; maybe become more sensitive, more aware, and understand and experience reality in a more expanded way. The attraction is a combination of leaving the blandness and uninspiring reality that is experienced now, however comfortable it may be, and entering a new reality which offers new awareness's and ways at perceiving reality. This attraction is so compelling that it can coerce one into risking the balance of their psyche and unsatisfied lives for the potential of finding a new expanded reality .

 The desire to develop and reach higher more expanded ways at viewing, interacting and experiencing the world is at the core of a healthy human being. As alive healthy human beings we feel frustrated and unfulfilled when we know that there is more that we can become and experience.  The feelings and frustration's that create the desire to take psychedelic drugs are not problematic, on the contrary they are signs of life and life’s power to motivate growth and change, the issue is only the means of dealing with these painful frustrations and feelings of unhappiness.

I deeply feel that Torah in all its depth, is the medium that one ideally should embrace to overcome these frustrations. Torah can help alleviate the frustration and depression which comes when one only encounters the "physical" reality and its limiting perspective. Torah is designed to help someone on their road to new discovery of themselves and the world around them. Drugs might temporarily alleviate the emotional issues that caused the drug use to begin with, but in the long term, they will only darken and even further limit the world, life and reality that one originally lived in. Using drugs one might succeed in perceiving a expanded view of life or reality, but because it comes at the expense of real process and development there are shortcomings. The drugs will have to block out and desensitize parts of one’s reality and short cut the user to new consciousness.


 Torah is the pare dime that one uses to naturally infuse life and depth into one’s life. Through integrating Torah into one’s life, one begins to slowly and naturally alter their reality into a more expanded, dynamic, alive, and fulfilling experience. The result on the experiential level might appear similar to that of experiencing psychedelics but they are worlds apart. The latter needs to negate and break ones reality in order  to achieve an experience of expanded consciousness. Torah however, is able to enliven and deepen life by slowly making one aware of the truth behind reality without having to negate or destroy it. The power of Torah is that it can lift us up out of the trugidness and at sometimes blandness of our daily life and self perceived realities by helping us connect to something bigger than our previously perceived reality. The only question is, do we have the courage to look for that extra underlining spirit of life, in our conscious realities?  Can we feel the extra sense of purpose, in our realities, or can we only approach that expanded state of touching the depth of life, by escaping our realities and limitations?

Torah, when approached correctly, can add to life an intoxicating feeling of, depth, expanded perceptions and escape from the confides of mere physical reality.  The land of Israel which is a physical manifestation of the holiness spoken about in the Torah gives as well, to the one's privileged to tread on its surface, the surreal feeling of being one step out of the confides earthly living. Without drugs or external inhibiter's the air and land of Eretz Yisrael is able to cure one from experiencing the blandness of life. The land of Israel imbues her residence with the magic which rolls freely and tangibly in her hills, cities and plains. So many people have passionately experienced the uplifting, addictive and sensual feelings which Eretz Yisrael manifests and imbues into its  inhabitants. 


The question again that remains is: "Are you prepared to recreate your conscious physical reality into a new, expanded, magical  reality, by letting the light of Torah and EretzYisrel permeate into your life?     

The Fire of life Can Reveal the Heart

 Sometimes when we encounter the fire of life we can rediscover our hearts,

Sometimes when we get burnt, the burn can give more than it can take,

Sometimes when we experience hardship we can encounter new compassion within us,

Sometimes when we experience pain we find a deeper way to view and appreciate life,

Sometimes the pain shows us beauty we never saw or always took for granted   

Sometimes it takes a life's journey of change to reveal who we really are,

Sometimes who we think we are needs to be melted away in order to reveal our true ability to love,

Sometimes we need to be melted down only to discover a new beautiful shape that we can become,

Sometimes the heat of life can create the most beautiful design within us,

Sometimes our hearts are so covered, so burdened, so troubled that..... 

We can't remember what it means to  love,

We forget how to cry,

We  forget how to feel,

We can even forget what it means to be alive, 
We forget to dance, flirt and fight with the beauty and challenges of life.

In those times look at the burning candle,

A little light can fight with so much darkness,

A little bit of life, a touch of hope, can topple the sturdiest tower of hopelessness,

A candle can burn, it can be melted down, but while doing so, it slowly reveals its beating heart, laying under layers of seemingly unchangeable, unmalleable hard wax,

We all have a heart that yearns to live, to breath, to jump to the surface,

A heart that can pick us up, even after we fall time and again,
A heart that is so strong,

So strong it just needs a glimmer of hope, a thread to hang on to, and it is ready to march forward, head held high, to find the beauty of life, once again.

P.s.

I took the picture of this candle, reveling its heart, in my Jerusalem apartment. (Winter 2011)

  

Torah: The Sweetest of the Sweet

Many times a belief system, moral code or religion can be a source of direction, meaning, purpose and truth. Often though, these beliefs and religious commitments can  paradoxically quickly become a burden which one finds oneself obliged to carry. Almost without warning one can begin to feel stuck by the reality of the decisions, commitments and beliefs that one has chosen wholeheartedly to embrace. The word paradox is fitting because one reality doesn't negate or make any less true the other. A person can continue to feel inspired, driven and deeply committed to a set of beliefs or religious doctrines and simultaneously feel frustrated, overwhelmed and trapped by the difficulties and demands that their choices and beliefs have brought them.

I remember in Yeshiva my friends and I powerfully coming face to face with this dichotomy.On one level we knew, our very souls knew, that we were involved in one of the most special and meaningful endeavors possible.We were studying Torah, learning deep secrets about G-d, purpose, creation and the cosmos. We knew, believed and were constantly told, that every word of Torah we learnt, every Mitzva we did, every word of prayer that we uttered  was changing our lives and the destiny of the world forever. Our spiritual high and dedication many times though came crashing into the difficulties of each of our daily lives and schedules. Studying many hours each day, dealing with  lack of love and acceptance by authority and strict rules created a dynamic of struggle. We struggled with our conscience, what we knew to be true, and the reality of the difficulty to carry through with it each day.

How does one deal with such a  issue? Does stepping up to a higher moral and spiritual life have to come with a lot of difficulty and pressure? Does getting involved with projects or religious commitments to deepen our lives have to include at some point struggling with the burden of those commitments and beliefs?

However idealistic or clichéd it might be, I believe the answer is NO, on some level we can embrace real religious commitments and only experience their beauty. My inspiration comes from the deep and holy words of  R' Shlomo Carlebach  "Any time you hear something from Torah and it does not sound sweet, you didn't hear true Torah. If someone tells you a Halacha and it sounds like a burden, if it feels heavy, it is because they didn't explain the Halacha correctly. Torah by definition is the sweetest of the sweet"

If one is serving Hashem and the predominant feeling is struggle in the place of bliss, something is wrong. Slow down, maybe go back and try to see if you approached your service of Hashem with unhealthy preconceptions. Did you maybe take on too much at once? Did you not leave space in your life for healing, physical nourishment or enjoyment? If there is too much struggle it is because there needs to be healing in how you relate to the demands of  Hashem. When our relationship to Hashem is healthy, that relationship should only bring us light. We should not feel caught in a paradox, and boxed in between our beliefs and the reality of our life and life's issues. Hashem is big enough to let us slowly approach him. Slowly place each foot forward (and sometimes back) when it feels right and sweet, without any pain, regrets or trauma.

Torah is much more than a obligation which we must push ourselves to fulfill because of our commitment to Hashem, or a obligation which  we must carry out. The words "Obligation" and "have to" are not sweet, they do not bring light into my life. Torah is there to help enlighten our own process, to help us understand how we relate to our world, our G-d, our destiny and every minute of our day. When we connect inwards, and look for a way to access the divine, express our true selves and reach our potential, Torah and Mitvot are there to help us. Torah is not coming from the outside to "tell us what to do." Torah is just a beauty which we can be privileged to digest and enlighten our life experience with. Torah is an inside-out experience, not an outside-in obligation.  From this context Torah is not a burden at all. Torah is a gift to bring happiness, depth and light into our lives.

The point here is not that connection to Torah/G-d doesn't have hardships or challenges. The idea is that if approached correctly Torah can predominantly feel sweet. If approached correctly Torah should not have to feel like a responsibility which unfortunately needs to be dealt and reckoned with due to ones Jewish conscience and sensibilities. Torah and Mitzvoet can feel like presents because by experiencing them we experience ourselves, we are not studying "outside" information like when studying for a spelling-bee or filling out a legal form which can be burdensome and tiring. We are being given the opportunity to experience and express who we are. Torah for a Jew is like dance for a dancer, notes for a musician or canvas for a painter, now, what is sweeter or more satisfying than that?   


 Granted that in our relationship with G-d, like in every healthy relationship, there could be times when we don't feel "inspired" or particularly feel the importance or meaning of doing Mitzvot at all. At those times Torah will not feel like the sweetest of the sweet but more like a bunch of restricting rote rules and practices. At such a juncture, one ( if one wishes to continue their relationship with Torah/G-d ) will have to subtly re-find for oneself  the importance and beauty of Torah in their life, anew.

If Torah feels heavy do not continue living with that heaviness, do not continue living with the pain of the paradoxical existence of commitment versus your reality. Take a step back and slowly re-approach your commitment to G-d and Torah. Re-approach Torah with the understanding and hope and expectation that you can reach a place where your connection to Torah feels like the sweetest of the sweet. Believe that we all can reach a place where we deeply feel that our connection to Torah is just a extension of who we are, not burdensome at all!!

Life's Elusive Beauty

 I can feel the beauty of life right next to me, 
 It is so close,
 So close it is even flirting with me
 I have danced with this beauty before,
 I have experienced and touched this beauty we crave and live for.

While dancing I have encountered her elusive ways,
That ever elusive sweetness,
I can feel it just around the next bend,
I can see it so clearly,
Yet we are separated by the thick glass of lief's upheavals.   


In my hands yet slipping away like a running stream,
In my sight yet elusively moving on.


The beauty calls out to me,
She beckons that I embrace her,
She touches me then un shamefully disappears
Waiting,
Just waiting for me to have the courage to find her again.