What does it mean to have a mashpia?? part II and III

Part II

How to ask: At the core of the Mashpia misunderstanding is the belief, (or even the slight notion) that the Mashpia is the one who should make the decision for you. This is not true at all. A real Mashpia is supposed to help you understand the issue better, but in the end YOU should decide what to do. A Mashpia might help you flesh out the issue, perhaps bring in ideas or concepts that you are unaware off, reflect back what you are saying, and/or explain the Jewish or Chassidic approach to such issues. However, after that they should and must step back and leave you room to make the decision yourself so that you take responsibility for it. (If your mashpia insists on deciding for you what to do then to a large degree they are abusing their position of power).

Understandably, it is extremely enticing to be able to place the responsibility of your decisions on some else. Especially with a Mashpia you get the added bonus that you can mix in religion and your belief system to justify giving up responsibility for your life and your decisions and say “this is what the Rebbe wants me to do.” However, there are some critical mistakes with doing that.

Let’s take, for example, a serious life decision like who to marry. Despite the magnitude of such a decision, with a misguided understanding of Mashpia, one can be easily enticed to have their Mashpia make the decision for them. They would give up their say on such a crucial issue so that there would be distance between them and the decision. This way, if it does not work out well, instead of blaming themselves they can say it had to be the right move because I followed what my Mashpia told me. 

Meaning, they will mistakenly say, “I had “kabolas ol” so the outcome has to be “hashgucha prutis” and “if one really trusts in their Mashpia then the guidance from the Mashpia will be divinely inspired.” Now, this is all true when you use a Mashpia correctly but not when a Mashpia is used to avoid taking responsibility for your own life.

To reiterate: One can mistakenly pervert the idea of Mashpia and kabolos ol to believe that instead of taking charge of their life and being responsible for it, they should learn to deal with the decisions given to them. This approach is attractive for a number of reasons. Psychologically it can be much easier to live with an option that is o.k. that you didn’t make than take the risk of making it yourself. This way when the Mashpia makes the decision you can always comfort yourself with the fact that the decision must be good because it was divinely inspired. Lastly, you can never really get upset about your predicament because you will always remind yourself that this is really what the Rebbe wanted. However, this is not what the Rebbe wanted; the Rebbe wanted you to take responsibility for your actions with the guidance of a Mashpia.

The next issue is that generally individuals go through a lot of soul searching and introspection in order to decide what to do. Life is designed in such a way so that as we go through the crucible of figuring out our beliefs, decisions, and future we come to understand ourselves better, our needs better, and the world more deeply.

However when you skip that entire process and just ask someone to decide for you, you forfeit all the growth that comes with decision process. You are not fulfilling the Rebbe’s directive at all; you are avoiding all that essential and challenging work that goes into figuring out what is your truth and path.

Rabbi Jonathan Sacks is famously known for saying “The Rebbe created leaders not followers.” Don’t live as a follower. Take full responsibility for your life.

Part III

Who to Ask:The area of who to ask is also strongly misunderstood. It is widely believed that a Mashpia should ideally be a Rabbi teaching Chassidus in Tomchei Temimim or some derivative of that position (such as a nigla teacher, Rav or so forth). However, I do not believe the Rebbe says anywhere that the Mashpia needs to be a Rabbi who officially teaches chassidus.

What is important is that the individual is aligned with Torah and the perspective of chassidus. Granted,for some issues, such as philosophical and existential questions, a chassidic Rabbi can be your best bet for insightful, pertinent, and accurate information and guidance. However, throughout life we need guidance on many other issues as well.

Some of these issues may be with relationships. Such as relationships with one’s spouse, parents, in-laws, siblings, business partner or community. Likewise one may need guidance with emotional issues such as stress, anxiety, ‘blues’, depression, lack of energy, inspiration, desire, or drive for life. Others may need guidance with being a professional in today’s world as a frum Jew. And others may need guidance deciding where to live, what to do, and how to express themselves.

In all these areas one should seek guidance from someone aligned with Torah and Chassidic values but why does it need to be the Rabbi who teaches chassidus in tomchei temimim? If you personally feel that a business man who goes in the ways of chasisdus has a deep and insightful view of the world that aligns with yours why not see if he can help guide you and direct you? On the contrary, chassidus explains how working in the world exposes one to hashgacha pratis and emuna that a yoshev ohel(rabbi or scholar) will never have. So why be so closed to making any one else your Mashpia?

Likewise what is wrong (for guys) when appropriate to tap into the feminine wisdom of the world? For instance, why not ask your aunt, mother, or any wise grandmother for guidance regarding a relationship issue. What if they raised seven kids who are all healthy and happy and are dedicated to Hashem. Does that not give them any insight into being able to help you out? I would bet that they can advise on many of these issues much more insightfully and sensitively than many Rabbis.

Besides, don’t be naive and forget the social and environmental pressure that the chassidus teacher is subject to. Because of these pressures he might feel he needs to give advice in a specific way to protect his reputation. For instance, currently to advise a boy to go to “Call of the Shofar” would be going against the so called “establishment”. If someone is employed by a yeshiva they may not be prepared to go against the “establishment” even if they feel it would be beneficial for the one they are dealing with. However, someone else outside of the official framework will not have those pressures or biases and can be a great source of insight, guidance, and hashpa.  

Here are a few concluding issues to consider:

a) Even if we agree that it is ideal to have only one mashpia in your life that you go to for all issues that may come up. How many individuals are able to be the right shaliach to give advice on all life questions? Obviously there are outstanding individuals that are able to bridge all these issues and advise appropriately. But what if you haven’t found such an individual yet? What if you don’t have any real access to them? Perhaps, it is more realistic to have two or three people in your life that you can honestly turn to as specific scenarios arise.

b) Even though it is ideal to get “hashpa” from someone who is aligned with the ways of chassidus, is that the only way? What if you meet someone who seems to be able to give you amazing guidance (for instance regarding a relationship or career choice) but does not learn chasidus. Should we be paranoid that anything they say will be corrupt and will seep into our subconscious and be detrimental? Or can we be open to the possibility that many individuals who don’t learn actual chasidus have been able to discover “emes” and can be helpful? In addition, is it possible for the mature mekabel to be able to take the guidance, benefit from it, and distill out any information that does not align with Torah values?